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Monday, March 30th, 2015
12:11 pm - It's been a minute...
Well... I haven't posted in 12 years or so. I've been busy.

Actually, I just rediscovered my LiveJournal. What a trip down memory lane it's been...

Maybe I'll start posting here again.

current mood: nostalgic

(1 Swallowed | Swallow the Moon)

Tuesday, December 30th, 2003
11:25 pm - Scary Thoughts
Is it wrong to want to die before everyone else so you don't have to worry about loosing them? I suppose it's selfish... that's how I feel.

I was watching the last Rich Girls just before. Jaime was moving on campus at college for the first time. It brought back memories of how strange and unnerving the whole situation was.

So the end of the year is upon us, and what an amazing year it's been. In my life, I've gone through a number of changes in these 12 months. I feel much more independent, more sure of myself and what I can do, and more steadfast in my friendships than ever before. The world at large changed around me, too... I can remember one early February morning when I learned the Columbia shuttle had exploded over Texas and I cried, I remember trips to Indiana with my friends when I felt like I was having the best time of my life, and I remember just a week ago when I was in New York City staring up at a dark sky in the middle of a huge crowd of people. I was standing still, they were all still moving, and though the universe above and the hordes of people below made me feel so insignificant, I knew I was going to make a difference.

Here's to every single one of my friends, loved ones, and acquaintances - wishing everyone the best new year to come.


current mood: anxious

(2 Swallowed | Swallow the Moon)

Monday, December 29th, 2003
3:38 am
There was an entry here, but after reviewing it, it became clear to me that the only person in the world who could really ever understand what I was trying to say was, in fact, myself. All that I will leave of that entry is this:

I feel like I'm falling, like I've always been falling, and like I'll never stop falling because there's no one to catch me.

Listen to this song:

Frou Frou - Breathe In ****the Razor Mix is good too****

I read you and God I'm good at it I'm so spot on
Chord shapes in air go press that dissonance if you dare
And you breathing in finesse an innocent
From her partying

And I'm high enough from all the waiting
To ride a wave on your inhaling
And I'm high enough from all the waiting
To ride a wave on your inhaling
'Cause I love you no?
Can't help but love, you know...

What part of no don't you understand I've told you before
To just get off my case this isn't happening stop this now
And I where was I? I have to be somewhere
Now where did I put it?

And I'm high enough from all the waiting
To ride a wave on your inhaling
And I'm high enough from all the waiting
To ride a wave on your inhaling
'Cause I love you no?
Can't help but love you, no...

Is this it is this it is this it?

Yes hello we're back and we're taking calls
Now what was the question?

And I'm high enough from all the waiting
To ride a wave on your inhaling
And I'm high enough from all the waiting
To ride a wave on your inhaling
'Cause I love you no?
Can't help but love you, no...

(Swallow the Moon)

Wednesday, December 17th, 2003
6:29 pm - As you may have guessed

WOW! What a suprise! You're an "Elite
Queer." Everyone knows you, you're
beautiful, always in style, mommy and daddy buy
you everything, And the most popular in the gay

What kind of queer are you?
brought to you by Quizilla


current mood: accomplished

(Swallow the Moon)

3:43 pm - Chillin' in NJ
I haven't written in this thing in ages... and I know I said I'd probably stop, but I feel the need to do so now and so I shouldn't have to explain myself.

I'm sitting at my dad's house in New Jersey. The last couple of days have been a whirlwind, but today is the only day everyone still had to work so I'm just chillin' back home watching Justin. Saturday we'll be going into NYC to do some more shopping and to eat at Carmine's. I can't wait to go to Rockefeller Center and see the tree, maybe go ice skating. I've never been into the city before Christmas.

Christmas break is so long. The one thing that sucks about UT is that none of the students who go there, besides myself and like 2 other people (that matter), live in Florida. All my friends are gone for the break, and not only are they gone, but they're thousands of miles away. Maybe that's what makes me appreciate them more, though... knowing that the time we have together is very short compared to the rest of our lives, and so we should make sure we take advantage of every minute.

Other than that, my life has been all go and no stop lately... I rarely have time to do anything, what with work, school, and this modeling thing my aunt's got me involved in. I love working at the forum, and the people who work there are great. Busch Gardens sucked, so I quit... lol.

The flight up here was very exciting. It's the first time I've ever landed in a snow storm, and there was turbulence the whole way. I thoroughly enjoy stuff like that; if it's my time to go, it's my time to go.

I had a very strange dream earlier today when Justin and I were napping. First off, Colin Farrell was one of my suitemates on campus... he was hot; enough said about that. Then we all went to this Britney Spears club concert, and we had front row seats. She came out and did her first song, but it was more like a magic show than anything else... there were odd costume changes and magically appearing platipi everywhere. After the first sequence, when she'd gone to the back for another change, lots of people got up and left because they'd forgotten that the new Survivor was on or something.... so then when Britney came back out on stage, she threw a fit about how all those people had left. Whatever... it was more intimate with less people. It musta been that crack I smoked earlier anyway.

Speaking of crack, what's up with me and cigarettes? I'll tell ya. Not that I think it's something people should do, but whenever I smoke, I certainly feel very connected to all the other people of the world who smoke, too. It's like a little club, hahaha. And besides which, most of my inner circle of friends smoke at least cigarettes, so it's hard not to want to join in and socialize down at the picnic tables. Whatever, I'm not addicted... I haven't had a single one since school ended, and I've got lots of shit I could be smoking up here... hahaha

Let me give a big fat shout out to Katie, even though she's a dumb bitch and refuses to mention me in her journal because she's too love-struck over Andrew and his nose... Alright, fine, he's a good kid, but GEEZ! Katie can be really bloody gushy and lovey-dovey sometimes. Watching her and Andrew is like watching lovebugs hit my windshield when I'm driving 90 down I-75. You're moved by the love they share, but all that crud they get on your windshield really sucks. I love you anyway, Katie. Merry Christmas to you, your mom and dad, and your cats.

Even though none of these people will read this because they don't even know I have a journal (not that I want them to), I wanna wish everyone of my long-distance UT buds a big, fat MERRY CHRISTMAS from the bottom of my heart. Caetie, Jenny, Nathalie, George, Bryan, Danielle, Drea, Kim, Stephanie, Rooney, Adam, Sarah, Tyler, Melissa... I love you guys lots and wish you a safe break and an easy return to UT next semester. Thanks for all the joys you've all brought into my life since we met last year, and thanks for putting up with me and my over-analytical self; you'll all reap the benefits when I'm rich and famous, if you don't already.

Oh, and one last thing. Jonathan Brandis, the kid from seaQuest and The Neverending Story II, as well as Ladybugs and some other movies, hung himself in November. I'm struggling with this a lot for some reason. I think it may be because he was, quite honestly, my first celebrity crush. seaQuest was a large part of my life in the early 90s, the sci-fi geek that I was (and my soul still is.... lol). Why such a handsome, talented young man would do such a thing is beyond me, but I hope it wasn't that he felt he had passed his prime. Now every time I go to the shore, or any of the landmarks that symbolize my childhood, I'll think of him and the way I used to feel, looking up at things that just don't seem so big anymore. I'd give anything to feel the way I felt back then.

Alright guys, that's all you get. It's time for me to get ready for the events of this evening. Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to anyone who reads this. Who knows, maybe this is the start of another successful LiveJournal run. Time will tell. Until then, adios amigos.


current mood: ditzy

(1 Swallowed | Swallow the Moon)

Monday, August 11th, 2003
12:20 am - This goes out to.....
These following songs are important to me... each for the same reason. Each goes out to the same person, and express how I feel perfectly... I'm such a contradiction!

Don't ask who it is, 'cause if you don't know already, I wont tell you!

Evanescence - Going Under

now i will tell you what i've done for you
50 thousand tears i've cried
screaming deceiving and bleeding for you
and you still won't hear me
don't want your hand this time i'll save myself
maybe i'll wake up for once
not tormented daily defeated by you
just when i thought i'd reached the bottom
i'm dying again

i'm going under
drowning in you
i'm falling forever
i've got to break through
i'm going under

blurring and stirring the truth and the lies
so i don't know what's real and what's not
always confusing the thoughts in my head
so i can't trust myself anymore
i'm dying again

i'm going under
drowning in you
i'm falling forever
i've got to break through

so go on and scream
scream at me i'm so far away
i won't be broken again
i've got to breathe i can't keep going under

Evanescence - Haunted

long lost words whisper slowly to me
still can't find what keeps me here
when all this time i've been so hollow inside
i know you're still there

watching me wanting me
i can feel you pull me down
fearing you loving you
i won't let you pull me down

hunting you i can smell you - alive
your heart pounding in my head

watching me wanting me
i can feel you pull me down
saving me raping me
watching me

Evanescence - Taking Over Me

you don't remember me but i remember you
i lie awake and try so hard not to think of you
but who can decide what they dream?
and dream i do...

i believe in you
i'll give up everything just to find you
i have to be with you to live to breathe
you're taking over me

have you forgotten all i know
and all we had?
you saw me mourning my love for you
and touched my hand
i knew you loved me then

i believe in you
i'll give up everything just to find you
i have to be with you to live to breathe
you're taking over me

i look in the mirror and see your face
if i look deep enough
so many things inside that are just like you are taking over

Oh dear......... It's happening again!

current mood: devious

(2 Swallowed | Swallow the Moon)

Monday, June 23rd, 2003
5:58 pm - Couple Songs
Here's a couple songs I've been listening to lately... I'm in a mood...

Why Georgia - John Mayer
I am driving up 85 in the
Kind of morning that lasts all afternoon
just stuck inside the gloom
4 more exits to my apartment but
I am tempted to keep the car in drive
And leave it all behind

Cause I wonder sometimes
About the outcome
Of a still verdictless life

Am I living it right?
Am I living it right?
Am I living it right?
Why Georgia, why?

I rent a room and I fill the spaces with
Wood in places to make it feel like home
But all I feel's alone
It might be a quarter life crisis
Or just the stirring in my soul

Either way I wonder sometimes
About the outcome
Of a still verdictless life

Am I living it right?
Am I living it right?
Am I living it right?
Why Georgia, why?

So what, so I've got a smile on
But it's hiding the quiet superstitions in my head
Don't believe me
When I say I've got it down

Everybody is just a stranger but
That's the danger in going my own way
I guess it's the price I have to pay
Still "everything happens for a reason"
Is no reason not to ask myself

If I am living it right
Am I living it right?
Am I living it right?
Why Georgia, why?

Nineteen Something - Mark Wills
Oh yeah

I saw Star Wars at least eight times,
Had the Packman pattern memorised
And I've seen the stuff they put inside Stretch Armstrong, yeah
Oh, I was Roger Staubach in my backyard,
Had a shoebox full of baseball cards,
And a couple of Evil Knievil scars on my right arm
Well, I was a kid when Elvis died
An' my momma cried

Well, it was nineteen-seventy-something,
In the world that I grew up in
Farah Fawcett hair-do days,
Bell bottoms and eight-track tapes
Lookin' back now I can see me
Oh man, did I look cheesy
But I wouldn't trade those days for nothin'
Oh, it was nineteen-seventy-something

It was the dawning of a new decade,
We got our first microwave,
Dad broke down and finally shaved them old sideburns off
I took the stickers off a-my Rubik's cube
Watched MTV all afternoon
My first love was Daisy Duke in them cut-off jeans
Space shuttle fell out of the sky
And the whole world cried

Well, it was nineteen-eighty-something,
In the world that I grew up in
Skatin' rinks and black Trans-Ams
Big hair and parachute pants
An' lookin' back now I can see me
Oh man, did I look cheesy
I wouldn't trade those days for nothin'
Oh, it was nineteen-eighty-something

Now I got a mortgage and an SUV,
But all this responsibility,
Makes me wish sometimes

It was nineteen-eighty-something,
In the world that I grew up in
Skatin' rinks and black Trans-Ams
Big hair and parachute pants
An' lookin' back now I can see me
Oh man, did I look cheesy
I wouldn't trade those days for nothin'
Oh, it was nineteen-eighty-something

Oh, it was nineteen something

I have this very distinct feeling that there's something wrong somewhere... I'm not exactly sure what it is, or why it is, but I know there's something not right with the world and I don't know if I need to be worried... all I know is that I AM worried... So, if you see me starring off in the distance, or if I'm not as perky as you expected me to be, it's because I'm thinking about something, even though I'm not quite sure what it is.

current mood: worried

(Swallow the Moon)

Monday, March 24th, 2003
3:48 am - Spring Break 2003
It's been forever again.... I know... I just wanted to let anyone who still reads this know that I had the absolute best Spring Break of my life.... It started three weeks ago and ended last night, and I can't tell you the number of amazing things we did or the fantastic people I met. Disney, alcohol, the occasional "smoke", and partying together in a world where everything could change for us in an instant makes me feel so alive. The crew here doesn't get any better, Katie, Danielle, Drea, Caetie, Jenny, 7th Sarah, Stephanie, Roonie, Nick, George, Melissa, Kim, you guys have taught me so much about myself and the world. I wanna shout out to Sarah, Scott, Cole and Ben for being the best 4 people from Indiana that I know. You guys, though you will never read this livejournal, rock my crotch and I miss you and look forward to your return and my trip to see you soooooooo much!

Everything is good with the world, and someday I know there will be someone standing right here with me saying the very same thing. I think I'm through with this livejournal now. It's been great, and I wouldn't change a thing. Goodnight all.... PeAcE, I'm o0out.........

"If You're Not The One" - Daniel Bedingfied, as dedicated to me by Scott and Cole.... MUAH!

current mood: indescribable

(2 Swallowed | Swallow the Moon)

Friday, January 31st, 2003
3:19 pm - Catchin' Up
So I guess you might be wondering where I've been for so long... why I don't update anymore... I have this feeling that I've already tried to explain it, but for some reason I don't feel as though I said what I was meaning to say... thus, I'll attempt to do it now.

I purchased this livejournal for all the wrong reasons. About a year ago, I was visiting my dad in New Jersey. David, Jen and I were on the outs, and one of the major reasons for our displeasure with one another had quite a lot to do with what one person claimed the other person had been saying about another... Those of you who have stuck with this journal since the begining know exactly what I'm talking about, so there is no need for a refresher course.

All the gossip and lies were simply that until I stumbled upon David's livejournal. I had no idea he had one, and then I found it, and all was in black and white. I read it for quite a while before I let anyone know, and I pretended like everything was fine and that I was as blind as I was before.

So, on the visit to my dad's, I decided I would purchase my own livejournal and use it to slander the very same people who were doing just that on their own. Stupid idea? I guess so... It felt empowering at the time... being able to say whatever I wanted to say about whomever I wanted to say it and have it available to millions of people to read, if they so chose. Writing in my livejournal became a sort of daily shit-fling which only got worse when the formentioned stumbled upon my own and the slandering became a two-way street.

My livejournal saw me through two "breakups" with the same group of people... Between those events, my livejournal served as a sort of, "look what I did today" diary of the life of your average high-school student with a car. Nearly every evening after returning from a night on the town with my friends, I'd sit in front of the computer and describe that night's events for the rest of the world to see.

What I didn't realize, however, is how much of a powerful bragging system it became; not just for myself but for any one of my peers who had one. Those who claimed to have a life hidden from their friends, be it either a secret fame or crush, used their livejournal to write what they knew they could never tell face-to-face without coming off as a complete moron. In turn, the rest of us felt a need to raise the bar and make are lives seem just as interesting.

What I hadn't realized until just recently is that, even with all the bar-raising and truth-bending going on, myself and the majority of my livejournalized friends really didn't have to do that much exagerating. We really did do all of those things... We really did buy all of that stuff... We really did talk to all of those people. The rediculousness of the situation didn't really become evident to me until I realized just how far a select group of the livejournalized were willing to go. One lied suddenly turned into a way of life for a person, and quickly grew out-of-control... To the point where I feel that person truly believes the lies they tell.

Beyond the exageration, livejournal turned into this sort of "what were they really thinking?" source. If you had just gotten back from something with one of your friends, you could quickly discovery what was going on in their mind the whole time by reading their latest journal entry, which was sure to have been completed by the next morning.

In a world where too many people are scared to say what they truly think, this all may have seemed completely normal. In this case, however, those involved felt as though they were being expressive, when in reality all they were doing were writing fictional tales about what they were too scared to say in person.

So, when I moved on campus, the hustle and bustle of my new life, the sincerity of my newfound friends, and my desire for relationships based far more on reality than on one person's unattainable dreams led me to the conclusion that this whole livejournal thing was nothing but a waste of time better spent in the real world doing real things with real people. Therefore, I shall only update this on occasion, and if you can't handle that, then TOUGH SHIT!

"'Cause I Wanted To Fly
So You Gave Me Your Wings"

current mood: horny

(3 Swallowed | Swallow the Moon)

Sunday, January 5th, 2003
6:10 pm - Pathologically lying
Sometimes I wonder if certain people are even capable of separating fantasy from reality.

"Was offered my first spot on a T.V. Pilot," but turned it down to be in a college play that I was denyed anyway because I can't act or sing my way out of a paper bag. SHUT THE FUCK UP DUMBASS! The only part you would have gotten right is the end.

I'm at my Dad's house, and it's snowing, and all is right with the world.... BB Home shortly!


(2 Swallowed | Swallow the Moon)

Thursday, November 14th, 2002
2:33 am - Updates
I don't know why I never update this thing anymore... Sometimes it's too hard to summarize everything I've done since the last entry, and seeing as how it's been about a month since my last substantial entry, there's a lot that has happened...

To make a very long, drawn out, oftentimes happy, slightly less sad story short, I was involved in a relationship with a very cute, seemingly sweet boy named Mark who suddenly lost his mind. Using the keyword "was" as referrance, I'm sure you can deduce that I am now single again... This one was the hardest for me so far, but I'm quite fine now.

Other than that, I've done a lot, most of which I don't care to share because too many people would think too many things, and I'd rather not complicate my life any more than it already is! We'll see how my updates go from here...


current mood: blank

(3 Swallowed | Swallow the Moon)

Tuesday, November 12th, 2002
12:51 pm - What Muppet Are You?

You are Gonzo!
You're a bit loopy, and many people have trouble figuring out exactly what you're supposed to be. You take pride in your eccentricity and originality.

current mood: stressed

(Swallow the Moon)

Friday, October 11th, 2002
12:01 am - Nope dee dope dope dope!
I've decided that last entry was a bunch of bullshit...

"You say... I only hear what I want to..."

P.S. I ALMOST ran over David and Jen the other day with my car... if only I had gotten there a few microseconds earlier... Jen looked kinda scared; let me shed a tear. If she's scared that I'd actually run her over, she must feel guilty about all the stupid shit she's done. Jordan helped ease my disappointment by pointing out that "hitting that would have been like speeding into a brick wall" and therefor my car would have been totaled... Good thinking!

current mood: satisfied

(Swallow the Moon)

Tuesday, October 8th, 2002
3:37 am - Back again...
Yeah, at least for a short while... I've been convinced I should write in this here thingamajigum tonight. I do have a lot boxed up inside me right now, so this might help. Is there a corallation between the fact that I'm all flustered, confused and sad right now and that I haven't been writing in my journal? I've never been this crazy before... I think I know why.

I'm not going to try to give you guys a detailed day-by-day description of what I've been doing lately... It all blurs into one big picture in my mind as I sit here before the computer trying to think of ways not to sound like too much of an idiot.

I think I'm pretty well-adjusted to the whole college life thing... My professors have been really helpful in that department. I'm doing about as well here as I expected I would, which is relatively decent. I suppose I could do better, but this is definately enough (I'm not striving for number 1... too much damn work)

Jordan, Danielle and I have gotten closer and closer recently, and I'm liking it alot. I think we all act quite similarly and do much of the same things. Drea is still as wonderful as ever, and she adds a lot to my life I never knew I never knew. Thank you so much for that!

I met this guy... His name is Ryan, and he works at the California Pizza Kitchen... How did this happen, you ask? Well, about 2 Fridays ago I decided to dress up in my cute little cowboy outfit and head for the mall with some friends. We decided to eat at CPK... From the moment I walked in, I noticed him behind the counter and turned into a total stupidass! *sigh* Cute boys do that to me.

So yeah... we're sitting at the table. I made sure I got the end closest to his station where I'd be able to see him and he'd certainly be able to see me, and I started doing the whole glance up, look away when eye contact is made, glance up again, smile, look away thing (I know, I'm stupid) and I noticed he was doing quite the same thing. So, for the rest of the evening I tried to be as adorable as possible (which is soooo damn hard for me... *double sigh*), and I told Bethany that there was a cute guy behind the counter giving me the eye. She noticed it too, and told me to "go for it" at which point I started to get incredibly shy and decided there was no way I'd be able to go up and introduce myself.

Fall-back plan? Give Bethany my phone number on a napkin, leave the restaurant before everyone else, and have her deliver the message to Cute-Boy-Behind-The-Counter for me. As I stood outside the restaurant, I got far more nervous than before... Then out pops Bethany.

"Oh my GOD what did he say?"
"Well... I passed him the number, and he was like, 'Oh! Okay,'" and she tried to display for me the face he made. Well, she fucked up, because the face she gave me seemed like more of a show of complete and utter disgust than a, "Oh! You mean the cute boy that was eating right over there with all you guys! HELL YES!"

I, at that point, decided that it was a lost cause and we went off to see Sweet Home Alabama (which totally kicked ass by the way... unfortunately that's not the focus of this precious little journal entry)

Well, about halfway through the movie, who's phone begins to ring? Oh yeah, that would be mine. Except that I had just gotten my new phone, so I didn't have any of my numbers programmed in just yet... For that reason, I couldn't tell if it was actually him or not, and I didn't want to answer my phone for a, "WAAAAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP" from some random friend of mine (you know I love you guys!) so I let it go to voice. Yeah, well, big honkin' mistake 'cause Mr. Cute-Boy-Behind-The-Counter decided not to take advantage of my convinient little voice-mail system. So, there I was, left sitting in a dark theater not knowing who had called or whether I should bother to call back.

I'm glad I did.

"Hello... is this Tyler?" the voice said on the other side of the line."

"Umm... yeah....." I said, quite shy... trying not to sound it.

We talked for the better part of two hours, and I decided he was definately worth a try. He asked what I was doing, and I said laundry, and then invited him to come and "do it" with me... hahaha. So he came, and we "did it" together, along with Bethany for moral support, which was great. Things got scandalous afterwards, so we wont talk about that............... EEEP!

He told me I was cute, and that I shouldn't be afriad to talk to boys... No one has ever said that before... In fact, some of my ex-friends said exactly the opposite... Ryan is sweet, and he doesn't know it.

The next night was spent at his apartment... which was a lovely escape from dorm life (and a far more comfortable bed). Details are unnecessary, so STOP ASKING! (Some people are so freak nastay! All up in my koolaid... HUSH HUSH!)

*Justin just made a sound... this is me terrified... I swear this child has night terrors*

Yeah... so by now I had decided he was DEFINATELY worth pursueing... but I was starting to get the distinct impression that he perhaps regretted what had happened so far. Things were going so fast at first, then they came to a grinding hault and started moving backwards. The vehicle aparently didn't have any restraint system whatsoever, because I was (and still am) going forward, waiting for the impact.

I guess I do this a lot. I grow to like someone so much, and then I get hypersensitive about whether they like me, and I start to worry about why they're not doing this, or why they're not doing that... It can't be all my fault; all I want is to feel the way I did those first couple nights we spent together... and I want him to feel it too, but maybe he never did.

He tells me he sees so much of himself in me when he was my age. I tell him I wish I knew him back then... He's got such a thick shell, and the harder I try to break through it, the more he seems to build it up. Perhaps he's been hurt before, and maybe he's going to be hurt again in the future... but what's the use in living if you never take a chance... especially on someone? I feel I'm definately worth the chance... I can't imagine ever hurting him.

He dropped a bomb on me a while ago:
"I don't believe in love," he said.

I think I just sat there for a moment with this blank look on my face as he went on and on about how love was a lie and how he'd never been in love. I know I seemed distant for the rest of the evening... but it was like someone had reached in and thrown my heart up against a far wall for me to watch as it and I slowly slid down to the floor. Maybe that's what it feels like to be hurt as bad as he must have been...

And then I look back on all the things I've said and how crazy it all must seem. We've known eachother for 2 weeks... How can I have invested so much of myself in this so quickly... and WHY? I should have learned by now... but some people just know how to get to me, and he's definately made it through... I totally wasn't looking for this... it just crept up on me and now I'm scared that it'll go away before it's even begun.

So here I am, at 4:11 in the morning, reflecting on how badly I wish I could get into his mind and know exactly what he thinks about me... He's sleeping now, and I hope he's dreaming a dream for me...
"I rarely dream," he said...
Somehow I doubt that... I think his heart dreams just as mine does... The difference is that I'm willing to listen, and he's scared to fall. I want to be the one who's there waiting to catch him when he trusts the world enough to let go.

"We are all innocent"

current mood: lonely

(3 Swallowed | Swallow the Moon)

Sunday, September 15th, 2002
2:33 am - It's been a while
Yeah guys... I know... I rarely update anymore. I'm sorry, but I really don't have the drive to do it that much anymore... I feel so busy here, and there's always so much going on I feel bogged down when I try to sit and write it all.

My check finally came! I'm SO excited. I went on a CRAZY clothes shopping spree yesterday and got THE CUTEST clothes. I found these lace-up guys jeans at Guess... hottest pants EVER, especially on me. The top I got to go with it is to die for too... I also bought lots of regular clothes too.

I bought new speakers and a printer for my computer. These speakers KICK ASS! They're silver JBL Creature Speakers. The subwoofer looks like those ghosts from the old Super Mario Bros. video games. And the printer is the best printer I've ever seen. When I print my pictures out on glossy paper, they look professional.... honestly.

I sent an e-mail to SkyDive City today about us being interested in skydiving soon. They should be mailing back with some available dates. I can't wait. There's going to be at least 6 of us, plus all the people that are coming to watch.

It's been storming down here like crazy lately. I drove past a tornadoe today... it was fun. People think I'm crazy, but I love storms. The rain was coming down sideways and all the other cars were having trouble driving but my cute little Glitch was speeding on down the road... I'm sorry, but I wasn't trying to get sucked up inside the tornadoe.

I'm LOVING Vaughn. I was in Crescent again today and I realized what a shithole it is. The elevators are so ugly... hahaha, watch me get stuck there next year, right? I just love how Vaughn is so central... the rooms are far better, too.

I went home today. I kinda miss home, but then I also don't. I live in the middle of Tampa now... like in the city... that's exactly what I've always wanted, to be in the middle of everything. I've got the greatest friends here, and there's so much to do... I don't know. I miss the people back home, but I don't miss my home. Does that make any sense?

OMG! There are SO many cute boys here! I know of a few that are interested... Most of it is reciprocated. There's a few scary people, but then aren't there always?

That's it for now. Cheerios!

"I do not trust
So I can not love..."

current mood: tired

(3 Swallowed | Swallow the Moon)

Thursday, September 5th, 2002
12:59 am - Kelly Clarkson = American Idol
Sooooo.... living on campus. Tonight I was talking to Katie and she seemed all kinda upset about not living on campus, and I guess I'm starting to realize that I was taking a lot of it for granted.

It's so great that I can make a hop, skip and a jump out of my door and be in one of my friends' rooms until the ungodly hours of the morning talking about absolutely nothing... Or that I can go for walks in the park with Jenny when it's dark out and listen to her beautiful voice as she sings... or drive down the street and visit with Caetie in the Ho Inn... I feel really bad because Katie wants to do all that too, but she can't 'cause she's not here. I hope she realizes she's welcome to stay as long as she wants, whenever she wants... as long as she STAYS IN MY BED..... hahaha, no more drama.

I love having such a diverse group of friends. I'm learning so much from each of them... they're all so great. Drea came back from Miami today... YES!

No on to Kelly Clarkson. She won tonight! YES! I was in tears when she sang her single... Especially when she was all like, "Some people wait a lifetime for a moment like this.......... i can't believe this is happening to me........" and she'd squeal and start crying. Jenny was crying too... she knows she was. It was a really touching moment. I really wanna try out for the next season. Jenny says she'll come with me!

Jim... I'm glad you were able to sing again tonight... Just STOP WITH THE FACE! hahaha, it's cute though.

Tickets are on sale for the concert here in Tampa, at the St. Pete Times Forum. That name totally blows. I'm still going to call it the Ice Palace.

That's it for now...... cheerios!

This is for Katie, and anyone else who loves this song like I do:

To Make You Feel My Love - Kelly Clarkson
When the rain is blowing in your face
And the whole world is on your case
I would offer you a warm embrace
To make you feel my love

When evening shadows and the stars appear
And there is no one to dry your tears
I could hold you for a million years
To make you feel my love

I know you haven't made your mind up yet
But I would never do you wrong
I've known it from the moment that we met
There's no doubt in my mind where you belong

I'd do hungry, I go black and blue
I'd go crawling down the avenue
There ain't nothing that I wouldn't do
To make you feel my love

The storms of rage are rollin' wild and free
Down that highway of regret
The wind of change is blowing wild and free
But you ain't seen nothing like me yet

There ain't nothing that I wouldn't do
Go to the end of the Earth for you
Make you happy make your dreams come true
To make you feel my love....

"Some people wait a lifetime
For a Moment Like This...."

P.S. Who do I sound like? "Oh! I'm straight, but I'm constantly being hit on by guys.... Apparently I've not gotten the hint... what with the 99.9% accuracy rate of GayDar and all."

current mood: bouncy

(1 Swallowed | Swallow the Moon)

Wednesday, September 4th, 2002
2:31 am - There's a fungus among us...

End of common sense check.

Other than that, Mr. Unmentionable and I shared an elevator today... doop de doop de doo... EEEP!

P.S. Kelly Clarkson had better damn well win American Idol. If not, I am so through. I can't wait to meet her! EEEP!

"'cause my heart is in your hands
Don't you understand
I'll never stop..."

current mood: awake

(2 Swallowed | Swallow the Moon)

Monday, September 2nd, 2002
9:41 pm - Gone Clubbin'!
I went to Club Hedo for the first time last night! OMG, it was SOOOOO fun. As we were standing in line in front of the place, they played this AWESOME remix of I'm a Slave 4 U and I almost creamed my pants! hahaha.

Before we went into Hedo, we went across the street to feature the foam party. I *LOVED* it but we didn't stay for long because none of us were dressed in stuff we were willing to ruin. We stayed in the foam for a short while and danced, which totally kicked ass, and then we left.

Hedo was SO crowded, but I still thought it was incredible. We walked into the second room and there were people dancing up on top of the bar like Coyote Ugly! They were playing the BEST music and the lights were flashing all over the place. I had a "techno moment" looking up at everything and having the wind from the fan blow over me. It was great. Then we moved into the next room and it was really, really hot... hahaha

So I've got a "love interest" here. I'm not going to talk about him though... no names 'cause I'm not sure about anything. All I will say is that he is FUCKING HOT and we're talking....... doop dee doop dee doo....

I'm sitting in my dorm room right now. Michelle and Joe are watching Sex and the City. I bought Queen of the Damned and I'm going to have a little DVD party with Drea, Danielle, Jenny and maybe Catie. It would be nice if (insert fucking hot boi's name here) were there too............ hint hint!

Okay. That's it for now.

"I turn to you,
'Cause you're the only one..."

current mood: giddy

(4 Swallowed | Swallow the Moon)

Friday, August 30th, 2002
7:07 pm - College Life and Whatnot
I'm using Jenny's computer to update right now. She's got a kick ass gateway with a flat panel screen and really good speakers. We're listening to Incubus at the moment.

We're getting ready to go out 'cause it's all kinda Friday night and we have to do something! Katie is waiting for us at International Plaza 'cause we're going to eat with her parents. We consists of me, Drea (Cruasia), Catie (Ohio), Jenny (Ohio), and Bonnie (New York). I soooo murdered the spelling on Drea's hometown... SORRY! It's another frickin' country! GEEZ!

Last night was... interesting. Too many scandalous details to post, and I'd rather not incrimiate anyone... MUAHAHAHA, J/K

College is so great... I'm loving all the free time, and the fact that I don't have more than 4 classes in any one given day... I actually have a lot less than that usually, but I have 4 on Wednesdays. On Friday, I only have one!

Jenny is out of the bathroom now, so I'm gonna go! Cheerios!


(6 Swallowed | Swallow the Moon)

Friday, August 23rd, 2002
8:03 am - oh GOD!
So... it's 8:00 in the morning... I'm really NOT all about our 9 hours of gateways classes today, but I guess it's just something I'm going to have to get used to... Sleeping was SO GREAT last night! I actually got 6 hours this time, as apposed to the 3 I had gotten over the past 3 days. Yay for me.

"A Chicago Area blah blah blah"

current mood: cranky

(4 Swallowed | Swallow the Moon)

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